I did a grief ritual with Sobonfu Some this weekend.
We arrived to a warm room with a big fire and drummers. She got everyone up on our feet and bopping, dancing, just by doing it herself and gesturing to us to join in. Then she got us to bop around the room and introduce ourselves to everyone while bopping.
She gave us a bit of an intro - saying this is one of the most challenging things we will ever do for ourselves, and one of the most rewarding.
Then we went round the circle introducing ourselves and 'what horse we rode in on.'
Then she gave a little talk about grief.
In Africa where she comes from, she said, when people visit they say, why are the people so happy? They have nothing? To which her people reply, 'we cry a lot!'
We have to take responsibility for our own emotions, she says; let our hearts rise to the occasion and feel. In our culture she says we're very good at putting our feelings onto others and less good at going through them ourselves. As a result there's a Lot of emotional debris flying around, clogging the air.
She told lots of jokes. She said the person at the end of the circle has to say everyone's name. It's a trick question. So the person at the end says, "everyone's name!"
After everyone said their name, the whole room said back, 'Welcome <Briony>". Really loud and warm. It was good.
Then we went to bed. It all happened after dinner.
...
The next morning, as far as I remember, more drumming and dancing. It lifts the spirits. They began to drum when it was time to assemble, to call us.
She gave us a talk about grief.
There are many different kinds of grief, she said.
"Personal grief" - she puts in inverted commas because in her culture, there is no such thing as personal grief. If it's a problem of purpose, it's a community problem. If it's a problem of relationship, it's a community problem. If it's a problem of suicide or of violence, it's a community problem. Individuals are simply channels through which issues affecting the whole community are manifesting.
Communal grief - is grief we feel because of grief that affects many people similarly. Classic examples are the Tsunami, Hurricane Katrina, Princess Di's death. But really this also includes all "personal griefs."
something like "nature grief" - grief for planetary suffering.
Ancestor grief - for the lines of unresolved difficulty that are passed to you from your parents, grand-parents, great grand parents and so on.
Primordial grief - for grief that arose in the womb, either directly or as an absorption of maternal grief.
Past life grief. ?
Simple grief - grief that can be unloaded in a single attempt.
Complex grief - grief with many layers and different elements to it. Eg divorce.
Then she talked about the grief process.
The healthy grief process, she said, goes through the following stages: shock, sadness, anger, rage / hysteria, catharsis, exhaustion, joy. (And a healed state).
The unhealthy / unsupported grief state goes something like, shock, numbness, indifference, denial, depression, possibly addiction, possibly suicide / homicide / self-mutilation, sadism.
If you find yourself suffering symptoms of an unsupported grief process, you need to go back and grieve it properly, and do heartening practices - re-sensitise your own heart and in the process allow what needs to come out of it to come. Accepting.
Then we got into groups of 4 and went outside for an hour. Each person had 15 minutes to tell of their grief to the others.
Then it was lunchtime.
In the afternoon we started to prepare the ritual alters. Three - one for the grief, one for the ancestors, one for forgiveness. Material, structures from chairs and pins, structures from wood and twigs bound together with twine, everyone helping a little bit, having little prayer circles before the work started.
When that was done we were instructed to: take the items we had brought (decomposable; won't be taken home) that represented our grief, and a little cloth and string. Go outside alone, no talking. Find other items to represent new layers of grief you have discovered. Include yet other items to represent grief that you don't know about yet. Go outside and find a spot. Invite the ancestors. Tell them you need their help. Name each of your items of grief in turn, and spit on them. Arrange them in your bundle. Come back.
The bundles go on the grief alter, in groups of 4. The groups who went outside. (Group 1! Group 2!). If anyone starts crying as they throw their bundles down everyone has to rush to put their bundles on because they become like radioactive with the whole group's grief energy.
But first there is an invocation to each of the elements - earth, fire, water, nature and mineral.
Then the bundles are placed on the grief alter behind the ash line. There's something about the ash line that I didn't understand. You Cannot go behind the line. You are Not Allowed.
Then the song starts. It's a simple three line wailing song, which resolves on the last note. It means, we cannot do this alone.
Two lines of mats are placed before the grief alter with boxes of tissues. Two gate-keepers guard the sides. It's their job to enlist support and replacements from the 'village' when they're needed.
The song starts. The 'village' starts singing and dancing. 'Sing, dance, grieve' were our instructions.
People start to walk up to the alter and sit or kneel. The alter elicits grief behaviour. As soon as someone goes, someone has to follow with their hand raised to show they're going to support. Every griever has a person behind them keeping their back. If any supporter or gate keeper needs replacing, they or the gate keeper raise a finger to ask the community for a replacement.
It's OK to pause the ritual for meals and sleep. IN Africa they just go for 72 hours and you find your own food and sleep if you need it. But that doesn't quite work in the US. To pause you stop the drumming and keep singing. Then gradually bring it to a close. Thank the ancestors, thank the spirits, ask them to come back. Two people must always stay in the space. Others must bring them food and come to replace them for, eg, morning showers and things.
When it was closed, two volunteers came to take the grief bundles. They were very well saged and prayed for by Sobonfu first. They lifted the fabric laid below the grief bundles, bundled it up, took it out and buried it. Then they had to go and shower, and change their clothes, adn wash their clothes in salty water.
Meanwhile we took down the alters and cleared up.
When they came back in we erupted in cheers, hugs, drumming, then they sat on chairs and everyone massaged them. "Torture!"
Meanwhile, Sobonfu asked if anyone had a good joke and we all made each other laugh.
One final tiny check in - tell me you're here, you're in your body.
It was super super duper.
Charlie would have needed it. My parents need it. Graham Jo and Hannah need it. Michael probably needs it. Everyone probably needs it.
How do we get it to them?
